


Lights on the Ground

by Biscay



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6609094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biscay/pseuds/Biscay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kate/Caroline, pre-series. Set and written before the show broke my heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted to FF.net last year under the name Utsira (still me, just a different area of the shipping forecast). If the mess that is S3 hasn't ruined this pairing beyond recognition for you: enjoy.

Caroline Elliot didn't _do_ love at first sight. Aside from her boys (and possibly the house) there wasn't anyone who she instantly laid eyes upon and just knew. 

Caroline found warming to people so difficult that she spent the better part of her pregnancy with William worried that her child would be born and she'd feel the same indifference towards him that her father had always shown her. It turned out that she needn't have worried, and as soon as the warm, screaming bundle of tiny human was handed over to her, she knew she'd move heaven and earth for him. 

But aside from people she had given birth to (and houses with perfect kitchens), someone had to prove themselves to Caroline before she regarded them as worthy of any kind of attention. So honestly, she didn't pay much attention to Kate McKenzie when the languages teacher first transferred to Sulgrave. She'd had a hand in hiring her, of course, but she'd seemed the most well-suited person for the post, and the following months proved that she was more than capable.

Like most people, it took a little while for Kate to worm herself into Caroline's heart. Initially, most of the conversations between the two, rather than sizzling with sexual tension, were brief functional exchanges during which Caroline was mentally making notes about the upcoming Ofsted inspection and planning a contingency for if John forgot to pick Laurence up from rugby. There simply wasn't time for anything else, and if she did happen to notice how particularly lovely Kate's hair looked that day, it was filed away in her brain for later, while she was brushing her teeth for bed and could shake her head despairingly at herself in the mirror.

Weeks and months passed in a frenzy of exam results, governor’s meetings, funding issues. Then John dropped his bombshell and everything went quiet; a faint ringing in Caroline's ears and a little voice in her head telling her that she should have seen this coming. 

And a louder one - her mother's - politely suggesting the same. 

It seemed unfair, really. All the effort she'd been putting into running the school in the years up until now, and all it took was her husband walking out to discover she could actually do it on autopilot. She attended the meetings, made the decisions, but found herself caring less. She was torn between wanting to be emotionally available for the boys' sake – Laurence and his confusion, William masking his hurt with anger – and simply shutting her emotions out, as if pretending not to care would make it so. 

A few weeks after Caroline had started going through the motions, she'd come to the languages department to find Kate to check in advance some of the dates for major performances of the student and staff choirs. It wasn't imperative that she attend, but she liked to, and it was irritating when important school events clashed. She'd tried looking for her in the staff room and the music department before seeking her out in the modern languages department and by the time she interrupted Kate's after-school marking, she was generally wishing she'd just sent Beverly. Rather than just walk in and demand the information, she'd appeared open enough to start a conversation, apparently, and a few minutes after Caroline's attention span had elapsed Kate was still talking. 

“There's a bit of a paradox around the music scholarships, though, isn't there?” Kate continued, looking pleased that she could air her grievances directly to the headmistress, “students with a certain musical aptitude pay less, but they're the ones whose parents have been affording French horn lessons since they were six.”

Kate looked at Caroline for any sort of input, then they both realised at roughly the same time that Caroline had been paying no attention whatsoever. Caroline tore her eyes away from where she'd been absently staring at the _saisons de l'annee_ poster on Kate's classroom wall.

“Sorry Caroline, I didn't mean to bore you-” Kate's eyes looked so apologetic that Caroline wondered, not for the first time, how someone so sweet and kind didn't get walked over by some of the more difficult sets.

“No, Kate, I'm sorry. I was miles away. Not your fault, I've... I've not been sleeping well.”

“Are you doing okay? I wanted to ask before, but I-”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you sure there's nothing I can do? You've seemed a little out of sorts recently.”

Panicked by her own lack of professionalism and Kate's concerned eyes, Caroline proved her absolutely right by walking out.

* * *

Caroline spent the following evening furious with herself for behaving so childishly. She'd alienated one of the few members of staff she was actually fond of, and confirmed that, yes, something had happened in Dr Elliot's home life and she didn't have it absolutely under control all the time. It was a ludicrously high standard, but it was what allowed her to function so well. She wouldn't be nearly as effective with the board of governors, or even at parent's evening if she was worried about people second-guessing her professional decisions because of matters in her personal life. She tried to keep the two worlds separate. John had rarely, if ever, attended school functions to which other teachers brought their partners (they both preferred it that way) and she would rather not be her sons' headteacher (less chance of Peter Hargreaves casually mentioning Laurence's poor performance in English during staff meetings) but, frankly, the other schools in their catchment were appalling.

Rather than get lost imagining a world in which William was forced to attend the local community college, Caroline headed upstairs to bed. As she had done every night since John left, she spent several hours tossing and turning. She hadn't lied to Kate about her lack of sleep. There were symbols of her failed marriage all around the house, but the large double bed was the hardest to not think about. Her last thought before she finally nodded off was a firm decision to apologise to Kate the next time she saw her.

* * *

Caroline was on her office's computer the following morning, reviewing the day's agenda, when Beverly knocked and entered with a steaming mug of tea. 

“Here you go,” she set it down next to one of the many stacks of paper on Caroline's desk. “Have you got a minute?”

“What for?”

“Kate McKenzie would like a moment if you're free.”

Caroline sat up and took off her glasses. “Send her in.”

Kate was hustled into the room by Beverly, who shut the door on her way out. Kate opened her mouth to speak, but Caroline cut her off. 

“I'd like to apologise for yesterday,” she spoke slowly and carefully, “I was dismissive and rude. There are a number of things happening in my home life, but it's not an excuse for how I behaved.”

Kate nodded, apparently realising the significance of the admission. “It's fine, honestly. I came to apologise for prying. I hope you're all right.”

Caroline briefly considered telling Kate about the whole situation, if only to have another adult (hopefully less judgemental than her mother) to talk to. She thought better of it, but was warmed rather than annoyed by Kate's concern.

“There's nothing to apologise for, Kate. Thank you.” It was meant as a sincere thanks rather than a dismissal, but Kate gave a small smile and a quick excuse to exit the room. Caroline sipped her tea thoughtfully.


	2. Chapter 2

“How are you getting on?” 

Caroline spent most of her time during school cloistered away in her office (making decisions about teaching when she hadn't done 'proper teaching' for years), so it was rare that she made an unscheduled appearance in the staff room. The staff room was where physical copies of the foundation-tier maths GCSE rankings for the past five years were filed though, so there she was. And so, apparently, was Kate. 

“I've been better,” said Caroline, grateful that her heels allowed her to reach the required shelf, “collating data would be easier if it was all in a logical place.”

“Not getting Beverly to do all your dirty work then?”

Surprised but a little warmed by the informality, Caroline looked over the folder, over her glasses, at Kate. A moment passed and Kate's eyes widened, as if expecting a telling-off for her cheekiness. “As if. She's wrestling the higher-tier rankings from Mrs Willmott as we speak. This all needs doing by -” she glanced at her watch, “-about 4pm today.”

“I won't keep you, then.”

“It was nice to see you.” And it was.

* * *

Meetings and inspections came and went, and for most of it Caroline felt like she was just about keeping her head above water. She hadn't seen John in weeks weeks, and while she was still angry enough with him to never want to see him again, the prolonged absence was clearly having an effect on the boys. To try and make it up to them (as if it were her fault), she was doing her best to be supportive to the two of them. She'd spent the better part of the weekend escorting Laurence to his rugby practice, but never staying to watch because he genuinely didn't want her to. Then it was Monday, which meant William's choir rehearsal. Caroline finished up work in her office and headed down to the hall a few minutes early to see how things were going. She made it downstairs in time to catch the tail end of Zadok the Priest, which sounded particularly good with Kate's organ accompaniment. After praising and then dismissing the students, Kate collected the sheet music and made her way over to Caroline. 

“I just need to grab a few things from my locker,” William said apologetically, “I'll be five minutes.”

“I hope you don't mind my saying so,” Kate said once William and the other students had left the hall, “but William's seemed a little distracted the past few weeks.”

“Oh. And Laurence?”

“French has never been his best subject, but he's been a bit off, too. More disruptive. Is there anything I can do? For them? For you?”

Caroline was touched, but there really wasn't anything Kate could do for them. “Thanks for the offer.”

“I mean it. If you ever want to talk. About anything.”

Five minutes, William had said. Too long to continue glossing over Kate's well-meaning concern without appearing rude, but nowhere near long enough to explain the John situation. Wasn't it? Caroline glanced around the hall, making absolutely sure all the students had left. “My husband's left me.” she stated, proud of herself for not making it come out in a hushed whisper.

“Caroline, I'm so sorry,” Caroline was surprised to find Kate's concern touching rather than irritating. “Was it recently?”

“Yes, nearly a month now.”

“How are you coping? Are the boys all right?”

“I-I don't even know. I don't know about the boys. They say they're fine whenever I ask, but...”

“That's what you say when people ask, because it's what you should say, not because you're anywhere near fine.” Kate's eyes were warm with understanding. 

“Am I that easy to read?”

“Maybe to someone who knows you. But I've been in a similar situation before. Not the exact same, just... everything falling apart. And being as far from fine as it's possible to be. It's awful. But...”

“But what?”

“It's easier - less awful - if you have people to talk to about it. You've seemed so down lately... and I'm sorry if I'm being too forward, Caroline, but I did mean it when I said you can talk to me.”

Caroline looked at Kate's nervous face, and just as the moment was about to become awkward William reappeared with his bookbag. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

The intrusion made the two women move apart slightly; Caroline hadn't realised how close they had become, leaning in to share secrets.

“We'd best be off then,” she said, casually as possible. “You'll have homework, and Laurence will have homework he's no doubt ignoring in favour of his Playstation.”

“You did well today, William.” Kate smiled at the boy, and Caroline found herself feeling irrationally jealous that he got praise while she got interrogations.

“Thanks, Miss McKenzie. Have a good evening.”

“Same to you both. See you soon Caroline.” As they got to the grand doors of the hall to leave, Caroline couldn't resist looking back at Kate, who was filing away sheet music. She glanced for just a second too long because Kate looked up and caught her. The other woman smiled and it was so genuine that Caroline forced herself to give a gesture in return – a curt nod – then escape through the doors with William.

 

That night Caroline was torn between wanting to avoid Kate at school for the foreseeable, well, ever; or actively seek her out as someone to talk to. Though her mind was in turmoil and she tossed and turned for what felt like hours before finally nodding off, she didn't realise until the following morning that it was the first night since he'd left that she'd fallen asleep without thinking about John.

* * *

“Do you always spend your lunch hour in your classroom?”

Kate looked up from her salad and marking to see Caroline holding a mug of tea and standing a little uneasily in the doorway. She did want to talk to someone. She did want to talk to Kate. Part of Caroline wanted to let her know somehow how hard she found it to be emotionally vulnerable, but the more she thought about it the more she realised that confession in itself would be too intimate. Not for the first time, Caroline wished she was better at _other people_.

“Only when I've got plans for a bath when I get home. I don't want to be trying to relax with all this hanging over me,” she gestured to the stack of blue workbooks as Caroline edged into the room but made no move to sit anywhere, “and this way I can mark and eat at the same time without worrying about Mr Wilson judging me for my appalling lack of manners.”

“If you're busy I can-”

“No, Caroline, it's fine. I'm basically done anyway.”

Caroline perched on the edge of Kate's desk and took a fortifying sip of tea. “I don't even know why I'm here.”

“You can talk about your husband if you want. Or about how you're doing. Or about anything.” A part of Caroline was alarmed at how disarming those brown eyes were. 

“Talk about John... I wouldn't know where to begin.”

“If you like, I can shut the door and you can swear.” 

Caroline laughed, “I think I've got most of the abuse out of my system. He got most of it. He just walked in one day and announced that he was leaving. He didn't even have the guts to tell the boys, he left that part to me. Left me to explain to a pair of adolescent boys that their father does still love them, try to avoid the fact that he loves that hussy more... But once the anger's faded, I don't even know what I feel now. It's this sort of hollow emptiness. And the weirdest thing is, I know it's not because of feelings for him. I don't miss him as much as notice his absence, and it's impossible not to fixate on feelings of inadequacy when someone walks out on you, but... I don't know.”

Caroline took a few steady breaths.

“Are you all right?” Kate asked, obviously concerned. Before Caroline could answer, the bell signalling the end of lunch made them both jump a little. Caroline kicked herself for spending so long gathering the courage to come to find Kate that it actually left very little time for talking. Still, it had helped, and she just about found the words to let Kate know.

“Don't let this go to your head... but I do feel a little better.”

Kate's smile was wide and warming. “Then I suppose we'll have to do this again sometime.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Caroline?” the office door opened and Beverly's head poked through the gap.

“Yes?” Couldn't everyone leave her alone? Last night's sleep had been particularly bad and she was finding it difficult to perform the simplest of tasks. Which included, but were not limited to, keeping her vision steady enough to make sense of endless columns of numbers.

“If you've got a moment, Kate McKenzie's here,”

“Send her in.” Caroline leaned back from the work, feeling her back click in at least three places, protesting her hunched posture.

“Hello.” Kate gave a little nervous wave. Against her better judgement, Caroline found it charming.

“Hi, Kate. Have a seat.”

“I... I was wondering. So, I wanted to do something that might cheer you up. I thought about bringing you some tea, but then realised Beverly would have my head if I tried taking over her job like that. So I was going to ask – are you busy this weekend? Because we could go somewhere and I could get you that tea, and I wouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes,” she paused, “unless I just stepped on yours.”

“No, it's fine,” Caroline said, reeling from the novelty of being asked somewhere by someone. Even before John left, it wasn't like they were a 'going out' sort of couple, and the boys, governers and basically everyone else in her life simply demanded her time as and when they wanted it. Being asked, and so sweetly, was refreshing. “This weekend?”

“If you're free.”

“I think I can be. Do you have anywhere in mind?”

“I hope you don't think Betty's is too obvious,” Kate looked worried.

Caroline laughed. “No, that was a test. As far as I'm concerned, there's nowhere else for tea in Harrogate.”

“Okay. So... Saturday? Elevenish?”

“Let me see...” Caroline said, poking the calendar on her smartphone, “yes, that's fine.”

“I'll see you there, then.”

“Yes. And... thank you Kate.”

Kate smiled. “Have a good afternoon, Caroline.”

* * *

“Oh,” Caroline said as she and the boys finished up their dinner, “you'll have to sort out any lifts or whatever you want this Saturday morning yourselves. Granny should be around if you need anything.”

“How come?”

“Don't talk with your mouth full, Laurence. Kate McKenzie and I are going for coffee. Not for long, but I don't want you two making plans for me.”

William swallowed the last few bites of his moussaka. “You've been spending a lot of time with Miss McKenzie lately, mum.”

“Yes, well,” Caroline huffed, “It's been difficult for me lately, with your father and all, and she's been a good friend.”

“Angus says she's a lesbian.” Laurence said helpfully. 

“He what?”

“He says his brother and his mates saw Miss McKenzie in Leeds last summer, holding hands with a woman.”

The idea of Kate being attracted to women made Caroline nearly sway with the weight of several emotions, none of which she was remotely prepared to feel. She hoped that her sudden quickened pulse wasn't matched with flushing cheeks, and inwardly chastised herself for having such a visceral response at the dinner table. Really. She was unbelievable.

Luckily William chipped in. “Yes, but Angus is an idiot.”

“He's not!”

“He makes up stuff all the time. And even if he didn't, his brother and his mates is hardly the most reliable source.”

“There's no need to be so defensive, you poof. I just thought Mum should know.”

“Laurence, go upstairs now, please.” There wasn't enough anger in her voice for Laurence to protest; it was just a tired dismissal. It got him out of helping with the dishes and allowed him to get in the last word with William, so he pushed out of his chair and scurried away to his room. 

“Are you all right?” William asked, watching his mum rest her forehead on steepled fingers.

“Yes, fine. Just tired, darling. Can you give me a hand getting this cleaned up?”

* * *

It was rude, she knew, but Caroline deliberately showed up a few minutes late. She didn't think she'd be able to sit in a tea room and agonise over which personal details she was going to share with someone who she still didn't know very well. She needed Kate to be there first. 

And so she was. Peeking through the grand, beautifully decorated window, she saw that Kate had snagged them some prime seats – the plush ones near the back – and was sipping on her latte. Caroline ordered and joined her. 

“Hi Kate.”

“Hey you,”

Sitting down, Caroline took in the sight of a casually-dressed Kate from toe to head before realising what she was doing. She was horrified when she saw the other woman looking unimpressed.

“What-”

“You got yourself a tea? What happened to me treating you?”

“Shit, Kate, I'm sorry-”

Kate was grinning. “I'll forgive you if you let me get you the next one. And one of those fruit tarts.”

“Okay, deal. But it sounds like you're planning quite a long chat for us.”

“Oh I haven't planned anything. I was counting on you to bring most of the conversational material.”

“Are you...” Caroline looked around, making absolutely sure that nobody she knew was around before continuing in almost a whisper, “are you sure you don't mind me just ranting and raving about John all the time?”

“You need someone to listen, Caroline. And it's not something that you feel better about overnight. I had weekly sobbing sessions over the phone with my mum for months after my marriage ended.”

Caroline straightened in her seat.“You were married?”

“For six years. My husband – Richard - didn't walk out, but it wasn't an easy time, and relationships ending are always tough.”

Husband. For a reason Caroline couldn't fathom, this new information contradicting the playground rumours she'd heard from Laurence felt like a betrayal. How had she become so invested in a throwaway piece of gossip? She couldn't, wouldn't, think about it now. It was filed away to be agonised over later. 

“No kids?”

“No.” Quickly changing the subject, “and how are your two doing? Is William preparing for his A-levels all right?”

“Yes, although having parental support suddenly halved can't be helping any. He's trying hard though; he needs his As if he's going to get in at Oxford.”

“You went to Oxford, didn't you?”

“Yeah, Brasenose College. He's applying to Magdalen, thank goodness, so it doesn't look too much like I'm forcing him.”

“Nobody would think that.”

“John does. Did. Does. How someone who works at a university can have that much anti-intellectual snobbery is beyond me, but he kicked right off about it; me pushing him too hard, William turning into a Tory boy, all that rubbish.”

“That is rubbish. I know I've never taught William, but anyone who's spent more than five minutes with him can tell how bright and kind he is.” there was a pause where Caroline wondered if she or anyone else had let slip to Kate that the way to her heart was through her boys. “There's a lot of you in him.”

Touched beyond words, Caroline couldn't think of any response other than a joke. “You obviously haven't heard me sing, then.”

Clearly anticipating that her compliment wouldn't be graciously received, Kate continued. “Laurence is doing well, too. He's popular, funny... maybe not as focused at William, but he's at that age.”

“He's been at that age since he was eleven,” Caroline said drily. “And, God, he's also at the worst possible age to have his dad leave. I know hating your dad isn't healthy, and he doesn't even really hate him, but William and me feel the same, it's so much easier. But Laurence doesn’t want to hear a word against him, and the boys have never really gotten along...”

“They'll be all right, Caroline. They're both strong, and they have you.”

Caroline sighed. “I don't know if I'm all here most days. I'm getting through, but it doesn't feel like it's getting easier.”

Kate's hand did something funny, like she was going to reach out and touch Caroline but thought better of it. Caroline was relieved and disappointed. “It will get easier for you, I promise.”

“My father,” Caroline said quietly, “saw women outside of my parents' marriage for years, and my mother didn't say or do a thing. I remember – I was sixteen and knew what was going on – I remember swearing I'd never sit by and let that happen to me, and now look.”

“But that's completely different; it's not like you knew what was happening.”

“Which is even more shameful! I believe, I really do, that it takes two people to make a marriage fail. I know part of this is my fault, but it's easier to just blame him for walking out, leaving us.”

“How could it be your fault, Caroline?”

“If I were a better wife, he wouldn't have started up with some whore he met at the university, would he?” Kate's eyes widened slightly. Caroline realised she was speaking quite loudly. “Sorry. And no, she's not a student, apparently. That was my first question, too.” Caroline sighed and took a long drink of her tea. “If I'd been... better, we wouldn't have any of this.”

“What could you possibly have done to be better?” Kate's face shone with sympathy, and it dug into Caroline's heart like stones. She closed her eyes, almost in pain. Please don't go there.

“Maybe it was destined to fail from the start,” Caroline said, as if it were a joke, “maybe now I should accept I'm married to the school and leave it at that.”

“Oh you can't do that, Caroline; it would be too much of a waste.”

The two women sat there amicably, Kate making Caroline laugh, Caroline realising how long it had been since she'd laughed, for over an hour. Eventually they stood and parted, not before exchanging mobile numbers. Caroline felt her mood lifted a little for the rest of the day, even when returning to the house to discover the aftermath of Laurence knocking a bottle of coke over William's coursework. In the evening, even the prospect of Monday looming didn't bring Caroline's mood down. It was hard to pinpoint, but Kate's comment about it being a waste somehow made it difficult to fixate on the usual things.


	4. Chapter 4

Since their visit to the tea rooms Kate and Caroline had exchanged mobile numbers, and Caroline was delighted to discover that Kate wasn't one of those people who sent insipid texts every five minutes followed by a string of smiley faces and kisses. Instead, they called each other some evenings when they were both free. Kate seemed to have a sixth sense about which days had been particularly bad; it seemed that the other woman just knew when Caroline would be lying on the sofa, eyes glazed over at some property show on the TV, desperate for company but too proud to go over to her mother's. It was lovely to have someone to talk to, but despite – perhaps because of – the phone calls, they didn't see each other at school outside of staff meetings and school assemblies. 

In addition to (in some shape or form, something that was not to be thought too hard about) missing Kate's physical presence, Caroline was growing a little concerned at the imbalance of the phone calls she had been exchanging with Kate; while she had only mustered up the courage to call Kate twice over the past three weeks, the other woman had checked in with her five or six times. It was a Saturday, and the boys and even her mother were off out doing their own things. She took advantage of the empty house and pottered around doing odd jobs for a while before realising it wasn't yet 10am. She took out her phone, scrolled through the shamefully short list of contacts, and called Kate. 

“Hello Caroline!”

“Are you busy?”

“Right now? Not especially, why?”

Caroline found herself wishing she was talking on one of those old-fashioned landline phones with a cord she could nervously twirl around her fingers. “I was thinking, if you were free, we could do something. Today. Me and you.”

“That sounds wonderful,” they hadn't talked in person for weeks, but Caroline could still picture the big smile on Kate's face as she said it. “What did you have in mind?”

“To be honest, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I'd assumed you'd have plans.”

“Definitely nothing that won't keep till Sunday. Are you sure there's nothing you'd like to do?”

Caroline floundered about for a moment, cursing herself for a lack of forward planning and wondering if she hung up and turned off the phone, she could go to bed, sleep the day away, and pretend this call hadn't happened.

“Well, it's nice out,” Kate said, saving her, “do you fancy going for a walk? We could drive over to the dales and have a bit of a stroll.”

Smiling, relieved; “I'd like that.”

* * *

She found her walking shoes buried under a mountain of muddy rugby boots and was pleased to find that the waterproof, windproof cagoule that she'd bought several years ago and never worn still fit. The satnav got her to Kate's cottage with no problems, and she was slightly disappointed that Kate was ready to leave as soon as she arrived; she'd wanted to see the interior of what looked like a very charming, if small, house. Caroline eventually relented and allowed them to take Kate's car (really though, a Fiat 500 was a ridiculous car to be driving to the dales in, especially when Caroline's car was made for country driving) and Classic FM filled the comfortable silence as they drove.

Going for a walk was an excellent idea. She hadn't realised, staring out of the passenger window, watching the built-up residential areas of Harrogate give way to long snakes of dry stone wall and patchwork fields, how long it had been since she'd left Harrogate. There was an away match she'd had to pick Laurence up from near Wetherby last month, but other than that, her life had scarcely acknowledged a world outside of her house and school. They'd decided on a walk around Nidderdale, a particularly beautiful stroll on crisp, bright days. Parking was painless, and the women divided the water, flasks of tea, and small picnic between them to carry before setting off, Caroline trusting Kate with navigation. 

“Do you come up here a lot then?” Caroline asked, pushing hair out of her eyes to better survey the unbroken green scenery. The smell of grass and gorse and fern was invigorating.

“Not recently. When I moved here from York, I'd drive out here all the time, it was so exciting having it on my doorstep.”

“John and I used to come out here with the boys sometimes, years ago. Before my dad died and Mum came to live with us.”

“Really?”

“Oh you needn't be worried, it's not upsetting. It was quite different to walking with you, though. Laurence would find all sorts of creepy-crawlies under rocks and logs and torment William with them. John would point out wildlife and pontificate about their Latin names. It feels like another lifetime. It's good to be back here.”

Caroline was pleased that the walk wasn't more vigorous than she remembered and she didn't embarrass herself by demonstrating just how long it had been since she'd been out hiking. The two women strolled leisurely along, stepping easily over streams starved by the lack of recent rainfall. Kate led them onwards, over the brow of a hill and towards a set of glorious rock formations.

“I thought,” Kate said, a little out of breath from the hill, which Caroline found gratifying, “we could have lunch here and then sort of circle back.”

“Sounds great.” Caroline helped Kate sort out the blanket and the two women sat atop one of the smaller rocks, passing water bottles and sandwich boxes back and forth. 

“It's lovely, being here and not having to yell at Lawrence to get down from there,” mused Caroline, nibbling on a carrot stick. 

“It is nice. Much more peaceful than usual – when I came here in summer, it was packed with families,” Kate smiled a little cheekily, “including shouting, well-meaning, overprotective mothers.”

Butting Kate's shoulder with her own in reprisal, Caroline was surprised that Kate had so quickly arrived at the level of friendship where she could, even in jest, make fun of Caroline as a mother. The number of people who got to do that and live could be counted on one hand. It was warming, but it was also cause for some concern. Caroline knew what other barriers Kate was breaking down, with every thoughtful gesture, every teasing comment, and she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to stop it, but wasn't that precisely the problem? The day was too peaceful to worry, though. She filed her concerns away for later and she sat side-by-side on the rock with Kate, picking at the fruit cake, watching a pair of honey buzzards circle lazily in the sky. 

The pair lost track of time making their way back to the car, and it wasn't until they were halfway back to Harrogate that Caroline's phone buzzed with multiple texts. 

“Someone's popular.” Kate remarked. 

Flicking through them, Caroline remembered how poor the signal out on the dales was. There didn't seem to be any great emergency, just her mother and William getting home and wondering where she was. Kicking herself for leaving her sons wondering where their responsible parent was, she had to turn down Kate's polite offer of a quick cup of tea.

“Maybe next time.” 

Kate nodded in understanding. “I didn't put you off then.”

Put her off walking? Off tea? Off Kate? Caroline smiled noncommittally, said her goodbyes and waved as she drove off in her car. She called ahead, letting her family know that she'd be home soon, and went via Waitrose to pick up ingredients for dinner. She felt more settled, she decided, pushing her trolley past the deli counter. The walk had helped put things in perspective, and she was pleased that the memories she had of walks with her family had been fond, rather than painful. If only she could stop her mind wandering to Kate every five minutes, she could call it a total success.


	5. Chapter 5

Caroline woke up feeling particularly low. It was two months to the day from when John had made his announcement and walked out. He'd been back to the house a few times to pick up some things and see the boys, but the more time passed, the more Caroline realised, truly, that this was what the situation was now, and she had the make the best of it. 

She hit snooze for a precious extra five minutes and pulled the duvet over her head. She didn't have to like it.

* * *

As if she knew the day's significance, Kate was extra-considerate throughout the day. A quick call on the way to school allowed Caroline to air her grievances about the upcoming parent governor election and just before midday Beverly passed on a handwritten note inviting Caroline for a quick break in the languages department over lunch.

As soon as lunchtime rolled around, she made her way to Kate's classroom, holding her head high and ignoring Michael Dobson's curious looks as she passed by his room. Kate was, as always, pleased to see her, and had cleared the usual stack of books off her desk so the two of them could eat comfortably. “Glad you could make it.”

“Thanks for your note. Today's been... I don't know. Mental. It'll do me good to get out of the office a little.”

“That bad?”

“Gavin's being his usual prickish self and is generating double the work for me as he does so. Edward Taylor – that little shit in year 10 who got suspended last month for throwing a chair – he's coming back next week. And Allison's handling it, but Charlotte Wills has just announced she's going on maternity so we need to sort out cover. It's unbelievable.”

“D'you want some grapes?”

“What?”

Kate pushed a punnet of fruit towards her. “Grapes. They were reduced, and they go off today. I'll never eat them all. I know it's not great as far as proper comfort food goes, but...”

Caroline laughed and took a couple. Then a couple more. Then suddenly Kate's kindness was just one thing too many to be dealing with in one day and she started crying. Big, embarrassing choking sobs; the kind that until now only her mother had seen.

“Oh Caroline,” Kate grabbed a pack of tissues from her bag and passed them to her with one hand, reaching over to rub gentle circles on her back with the other. “Is it an anniversary? Monthiversary, whatever?”

Dabbing at her eyes in the way most likely to not smudge mascara over her face, Caroline sniffed. “Two months today. Since he left. How did you know?”

“I didn't, honestly. I just know that dates of loss are significant and, believe me, I've done a lot worse than crying at school.”

“This is mortifying.” Caroline mumbled, blowing her nose as discreetly as possible. 

“Caroline,” Kate said, shifting from back-rubbing so she could hold Caroline's hand, “you have nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. The way you're feeling now is okay, and it's normal.”

Trying not to let Kate's kind words set her off again, she took some deep breaths and steadied herself. “I'm going to have to get a divorce.”

“You'll get through it. You'll be all right.”

Trusting Kate, Caroline leaned to the side and rested her head tiredly on Kate's shoulder. Kate squeezed her hand reassuringly.

The pair sat like that for a little while, Caroline's breathing becoming more steady and regular. She dabbed at her eyes with her free hand and eventually, her neck protesting the awkward angle, pulled away and sat up straight.

“Right. How do I look?”

Kate took in her puffy eyes, pink face, hair flattened on one side from Kate's shoulder. 

When Caroline didn't get a reply instantly, she assumed it was because she looked awful. As seconds ticked by she realised Kate was still looking at her and she didn't know why. 

“Kate?” 

Kate gave her a forced smile. “You'll do.”

* * *

Kate didn't contact her for the rest of the day, which was probably for the best. The various issues she had to deal with kept her too busy to think for the rest of the afternoon, and after getting home and making dinner for the boys, she fell asleep on the sofa out of sheer exhaustion. Laurence found her a few hours later and poked her awake. 

“Wakey wakey, Ma. What're you doing on the sofa?”

Caroline jerked upright and fumbled around for the remote to turn off the TV. “Nothing, I just... what time is it?”

“'Bout 10. If anyone's going to be sleeping there, shouldn't it be Dad?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know; when you're angry at your husband or whatever, you make them sleep on the sofa.”

Not prepared to get into a debate with Laurence about the intricacies and madness that were adult human relationships, she pulled him into a hug. He gave a token protest, then settled in her arms. She was loathe to break the embrace, but it was getting late and she was half-hoping she could ride this wave of tiredness to a decent night's sleep in her own bed.

“Come on you. It's school tomorrow for both of us.”

* * *

The weekend passed in a blur of paperwork for school and activities for the boys. Monday was uneventful, and the evening found her in her study, on her second glass of wine, proofreading a piece of William's English literature coursework. The deal used to be that John would help the boys as needed for English and history, while she was on hand for science and maths. She found herself empathising with Lady Macbeth having to put up with all these useless men when her phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Caroline.”

“Kate, hi,”

“Are you busy?”

“Not anymore. I've just been thoroughly persuaded that “infirm of purpose” is a totally justified impression for the narration to give of Macbeth, considering his dramatical importance.”

“What?” Caroline smiled at Kate's musical laughter.

“Nothing, I'm just reasonably sure William will do quite well on this essay. What were you calling about?”

“I was thinking, if you were going to be free one evening this week, we could meet up and do something. If you wanted.”

“Well the boys are both out this evening, and there's nothing that won't keep till tomorrow. It's only 6. Fancy coming over?”

“Are you sure?”

“If you don't mind coming over. I've had a glass or two, so it's best if I don't drive.”

“No, that's fine! I'll be over shortly then. Although, Caroline?”

“Mmm?”

“Can I have your postcode for the satnav?”

* * *

Caroline generally didn't like inviting staff over to her ludicrously large house – partly because she didn't like the blurring of professional and personal lines (she tried not to think about how Kate was thoroughly confusing that), but mostly because there was always a stupid snide remark about how much headteachers were paid. As she invited Kate in and took her coat, she waited for the other woman to say or do something to to ruin it. Kate just complimented her tasteful interior decorating and was suitably enamoured with the kitchen. While the kitchen looked its very best when the morning light was streaming through the large bay windows, Caroline had taken the time to light her massive candle collection, giving the otherwise dark space a golden glow. As she invited Kate to sit down with her at the island in the kitchen, it was impossible to not notice just how beautiful she was. Caroline swallowed.

“So your mum lives next door?”

“Yeah, in the granny flat. I didn't like the idea of her being on her own after my dad died. And living actually with her was out of the question because if I didn't end up killing her, John definitely would have; they antagonise each other more than the boys. So we bought this place.” Caroline held up the bottle of wine, “Did you want a glass?”

“Just a small one, then.”

She passed Kate a glass and topped her own up generously. “You wouldn't believe how much the wine's been piling up since John moved out. I keep meaning to change the online order, but I never do. It's not until someone leaves that you realise... well, in this case, that he's a sodding alcoholic.”

Kate touched Caroline's arm sympathetically. “You need it more than him at the moment anyway.”

She clinked glasses with Kate in agreement. “I'm glad you see it that way.”

“Did you manage to sort out all that stuff from Friday all right? I'm sorry I didn't ring.”

“No, it's fine. I did get it all done, in the end. I was hoping John might ring and maybe offer to take the boys somewhere at some point over the weekend, but he's been silent for getting on two weeks. Got my paperwork sorted, though. And it was Edward Taylor's return to school meeting today, so that was a barrel of laughs.” taking a sip of her wine, Caroline was very much aware of Kate's hand on her arm, thumb stroking absent-mindedly. She was reminded of how Kate had held her hand while she cried the other day. She expected the memory to heat her face with embarrassment, but she was surprised to find a rush of affection for the other woman. 

“Kate... I wanted to apologise for Friday.”

“Caroline. There is nothing to apologise for.”

“It was weak and childish and, and... unprofessional.”

“I'm not even going to dignify those first two adjectives with a response, but surely, the two of us, we're past the point of professionalism?”

“Maybe we are.” Caroline said, almost dreamily. With four glasses of wine in her, and Kate's eyes sparkling with the reflections of dozens of candles, her instinct to pull away and retreat inside herself was quashed. She leaned into Kate's gentle caress and closed her eyes, not prepared to think about whether it was simply receiving affection for the first time in months or receiving affection from Kate that was causing her reaction. 

“Caroline...” Kate's voice was a whisper. It had a ragged edge that make Caroline's heart beat faster. Caroline opened her eyes, looked at Kate, and found that she couldn't look away. 

“Yes?”

Kate broke the eye contact, then pulled away. Caroline's arm felt bereft and when they weren't both leaning in to each other, the space between them was huge. “I-I should go.”

“What? Why?” it came out like a whine.

“It's getting late. I can't have another glass or I won't be able to drive.” Clearly seeing the disappointment on Caroline's face, she softened the blow. “It's been lovely to come over and see you and your beautiful house, though. I'll see myself out. Have a good evening.”

It wasn't often that Caroline was speechless, but she couldn't find words as Kate moved away and avoided eye contact. “I'll... see you at school then?”

“Yes. See you soon, Caroline.”


	6. Chapter 6

It was Friday afternoon that Caroline realised, like a lead balloon in her stomach, that Kate hadn't contacted her all week. The two hadn't spoken since Monday evening, and had only seen each other across the school. She racked her brain to think of a time where she may have crossed a line or said something insensitive, but decided that Kate's sudden absence in her life was simply unacceptable. Picking up her phone, she rang what had quickly become her most-dialled number. Kate answered somewhat hesitantly, but Caroline had no concerns with pulling rank and all but demanded Kate's presence in her office at her earliest possible convenience. 

Kate entered the office half an hour later with no introduction from Beverly. Caroline removed her glasses and offered Kate a seat, which was refused. Despite the summoning, this conversation was going to happen on equal footing, Caroline realised. Caroline stood and took a few steps towards the other woman, so she and Kate were only a small distance apart. 

“I'm so sorry Caroline, I didn't mean to abandon you or anything,” Kate said, arms crossed across her chest; a posture that would have looked defiant if it wasn't matched with a lost, miserable facial expression.

“Where have you been?”

“Nowhere, I...” Kate faltered. “You just seemed to be doing better. The boys both seem a bit happier, you look like you're sleeping better – and I'm sure that's down to time passing, not me, but-”

Caroline fought the urge to put her hands on her hips. “You make it sound like I was just keeping you around as my therapist. You can't just decide that I'm cured and cut off all communication.”

“Yes, but-”

“Is it something I've done? Something I've said?”

“Nothing like that, it isn't your fault. It's mine, and I'm dealing with it.”

“What's your fault? Dealing with what?” Caroline, not stupid, had an inkling of what Kate's issue might be. Rationally, she knew that pressing for an answer might lead to the worst possible outcome, but emotionally, she knew she couldn't pass this chance by. She needed to know. 

“Caroline, I can't unsay this. I stopped ringing because I didn't want to upset you. Are you sure?”

Caroline moved imperceptibly closer. “I'm sure.”

Kate sighed. “I've always liked you, you know. I have done since we met. You're fair and confident and funny. It upset me to see you so down since John left, so I thought if there was anything I could do to cheer you up, you know?”

Caroline nodded.

“And these past few weeks have been great. For me, I mean; I know it's been really hard for you, but getting to know you, properly, and seeing you cope so well with... all this. You're incredible. But I didn't want to make things awkward between us because it's really the last thing you need...”

“Say it, Kate,” it came out in far more of a whisper than Caroline intended, but it got Kate to look her in the eye for the first time in the conversation, and the nervous brown eyes made her stomach flutter and heart pound.

“I'm attracted to you. Much more than I should be. Being attracted to women isn't a new thing for me, and I suppose that's another thing I've kept from you. I thought, when I first asked you how you were doing, I could keep everything under control. But I couldn't, and keeping some distance seemed the best solution. I'm really sorry, I've made a huge mess of things.”

And there it was. The ball was in Caroline's court now. 

“You haven't.” she said carefully, “You really haven't. I do appreciate your support, and your honesty just now. If it's all right with you, I would like us to continue to talk and see each other. The past week has been tough, you know, without you.”

Kate nodded and wiped at a traitorous tear.

“And Kate... I'm sorry it's been hard for you. You've- you've given me some things to think about.”

“Caroline-” the two women looked at each other awkwardly for a few moments, neither of them knowing what to say or do. 

“I'll ring you. I will.” Caroline promised. 

“I'll see you later then.” Kate took a long, last look at Caroline, then left the office. She shut the door on her way out, so Caroline allowed herself a few moments of simply putting her head down on her desk while she tried to process and compartmentalise everything. She'd become quite good at it since John left, but the resentment she held for John made it easier somehow to push her emotions regarding him into a corner. With Kate everything was much more muddled. She needed to focus. Trying as best she could to put all her feelings in a 'Kate' box to free up some mental space, she returned to her endless number columns. It would be a long afternoon.

* * *

She struggled through the rest of the day, and got home to find that Laurence had arranged to stay over at a friends' house. She made a quick pasta dish for herself and William, and they ate together quietly. 

“Are you okay, Mum?” he asked once they'd finished, helping load the dishwasher.

“Yes, I'm fine. Just a bit tired. Might get an early night.”

“Okay. I'm going up to read for a bit. Hope you sleep well.”

“Me too. Thanks, William.” he kissed her cheek and headed upstairs. Caroline decided that she might as well head up too; she'd need to think things over sooner or later, and she last thing she needed was William stumbling upon his mother sobbing at the table if he came to get a snack.

She closed her bedroom door and lay atop her bedcovers, eyes closed. Months' worth of repressed moments and emotions assaulted her mind, and every one of them unavoidably led to Kate's confession earlier. So it wasn't all in her head. Kate McKenzie was attracted to her. And Caroline didn't need to do a lot of soul-searching to know that she was attracted to Kate. In the past, before her social circle had somehow been reduced to her mother and kids, there had been occasions here and there with fleeting sparks, and women who she was sure felt them too; but the safe, secure knowledge of John meant that such things were never really thought about. Without John as a pillar (or crutch?), everything suddenly felt a lot more real. It was something that could truly happen. Despite her achievements, Caroline knew that for most of her life she had simply taken the path of least resistance; staying with John because of his fondness for her, continuing in academia to PhD level to avoid facing a world outside of Oxford, having children because it was the done thing for women of her age. She knew this was a tipping point, where she could gain or lose everything, and it terrified her. 

She could be happy, but it wouldn't be easy. The school, the boys, her mother... and Caroline knew, deep down, that her happiness' greatest enemy was herself. She questioned, not for the first time, if she even deserved to be happy. John had been the one who left, and for another woman no less, but surely he'd known there was some part of Caroline he would never have? Wasn't it all destined to fail from the start? And if it _was_ her fault, it meant she was responsible for every bit of suffering she was causing her children.

Was this thing, whatever it was, with Kate a chance for her to be fulfilled, or a demonstration of what she could never have? That night she brushed her teeth till her gums bled, staring at her reflection in the mirror, then brushed her hair with the same vigour. Sleep didn't come easily.


	7. Chapter 7

Caroline woke late on Saturday morning, still unsure about what to do with regards to Kate. Forcing herself out of bed, she pulled on her dressing gown, made her way downstairs and found William reading in the kitchen, also in his pyjamas. 

He looked up from his iPad when he heard her. “Morning Mum. There's tea in the pot over there. And yesterday's TES.”

“You darling boy,” she poured herself a mug and pulled up a seat next to him at the island. As he read, she leafed through the magazine but took none of it in. “Did you sleep well?”

William shrugged. “Not bad. You?”

“Eh. The less said the better. Do you have plans for today?”

“A few of us in my biology class were going to get together and go through some things today. I think it's at James' house, so I was just going to walk over in a bit. I'll be back before dinner. Are you doing anything?”

“Nothing important,” she sighed, “there's some applications to go over, and if the weather holds, I might do some gardening.”

William put the iPad down and turned to her. “Mum, are you sure you're all right? I mean, this study thing isn't important. I can stay here if you'd like the company.”

She was touched, but certianly didn't want to be one more thing for her son to worry about. “No, no; I'll be fine. You go. I'll be in when you get back. Is there anything you fancy for dinner?”

“Anything's fine. Thanks Mum.”

As William made his way upstairs to sort out his textbooks and notes, Caroline realised that the next few hours were going to be very important. She had to call Kate. She'd promised she would and, regardless of who might end up embarrassed or confused or hurt, Caroline swore that she wasn't going to lie to anyone. And, she thought as she tidied up the kitchen from breakfast, she didn't want to repeat her mistakes. 

She cast her mind back to her first year at university. Excited to be away from home for the first time, delighted beyond words to be in a place that celebrated intellect, rather than stifled it. She was still an oddball; the only girl in her year at Brasenose to study chemistry, her Northern accent and turns of phrase marking her as an outsider, and she found making friends as difficult as she had back home in Yorkshire. The vast libraries of Oxford gave her answers to questions she'd had since puberty; hiding away at a desk in the far corner of the Radcliffe Camera, she perused books about human sexuality that she'd surreptitiously taken from the psychology section, slipped in alongside her biochemistry texts. 

She had been relieved when, during her first year's final term, she found a kindred spirit in a girl who lived on her staircase, and the two had become close. The sense of being alone that she'd felt for as long as she could remember gradually lifted. And after a few weeks of late-night studying, the two swapping ideas in the low light of Caroline's room, relating to each other emotionally and intellectually, she was ready to confess how she felt. The following weeks were glorious, filled with sweet kisses and afternoon walks around Port Meadow, shyly holding hands if there was nobody else about. The idea of being separated for three months over the summer vacation was painful, so Caroline put her heart and soul into a letter. Hands trembling, she handed it over as they kissed goodbye, Caroline's father in the room next door, moving her boxed possessions downstairs to be loaded into the car.

That was the last time they'd kissed. Caroline received several letters over the course of that summer, but after her mother's reaction, couldn't bring herself to open them. The college room ballot meant that they were at opposite ends of the college in second year, so after Caroline had broken the news in September when they were both back, they would only ever occasionally pass each other in corridors, or catch one another's eyes for short, painful moments across the dining hall.

And then, a few years later, John entered her life. He was a friend of one of the staff she shared accommodation with during her PhD, a graduate in creative writing from LSE. Caroline's aloof demeanour and intimidating intelligence usually kept people - especially interested men - at bay, but he pursued her for several months and eventually, exhausted, she gave in.

* * *

Leaving the kitchen to find her mobile, Caroline tried to leave the long-buried past and refocus on the current situation. She could do this. It felt like it was about three decades too late, but she could do it. 

Kate picked up her phone after two rings. “Hello?”

“Kate, hi. I've been thinking...”

“Yes?”

“We should talk in person. Can you come over again? Or I could go to yours?”

“I can be at yours for... eleven? Is that all right?”

“Yes, that's fine,” Caroline said, fighting to keep nervousness out of her tone. “See you then.”

“See you.”

After showering, dressing and then pacing around the kitchen for a good 20 minutes, Caroline heard Kate's Fiat pull up onto the driveway. She opened the front door before Kate knocked.

Caroline hoped she didn't look as manic as she felt. “Hi.”

“Caroline, are you all right? You sounded a bit weird on the phone.”

“I'm fine. Well, I've not slept much, but I'm fine. I wanted to talk to you about what you said on Friday.”

“Oh, right.”

“Would you like come though? Can I get you some tea?”

“No tea, thanks,” Kate said, clearly nervous. 

“Right.” Caroline said, sitting opposite Kate in the kitchen, exactly where they had sat the last time Kate had visited. “Well, as I'm sure you can understand, what you said to me at school yesterday made me think about things. About us.”

Everything about Kate's posture and tone was carefully measured. “Okay.”

“And... it wasn't just what you said on Friday that made me think about it. I assume you've noticed it, felt it, as well. Whatever this is.”

“Yes, I have.”

“It's... It's been preoccupying my thoughts for a while now. At first it was a useful distraction from bloody John, but it's more than that, isn't it?”

Kate nodded, leaning forward. “It could be.”

Caroline wrung her hands. “But from here, I mean, what would we-”

Kate, apparently no longer content to sit back and just react to Caroline and her nerves and pride and bossiness, simply leaned over, took Caroline's face gently in her hands, and kissed her. 

For the first time since John left – and probably a long time before that – Caroline's mind stopped worrying about a hundred different things and just slowed down. The worries of the everyday, the hurt and betrayal, fell to the wayside, and Caroline's brain focused just enough to fully appreciate what was happening here, now. The softness of Kate's mouth became the only thing to be concerned about, the assurance of her hands comforting enough to just let go of everything else. Even the fact that she was kissing a woman, something she had never expected to happen again, wasn't a coherent thought until after Kate pulled back, breaking the kiss but still holding Caroline close. 

“Are you all right?” Kate asked softly.

“I-I think so.”

“Was that all right?”

Caroline considered for a moment. “Yes. It was.”

“I've...” Kate looked bashful, “I've wanted to do that for quite a long time.”

Caroline cast her eyes down so Kate might not see her so vulnerable. “I think I've wanted you to.”

“I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage-”

“No.” Caroline interrupted, shaking her head sternly. “I do not think that.”

“Okay then.”

Caroline took a deep breath. “You said before that being attracted to women was something you kept from me. Before we go any further, I want you to know that, for me, it's something I've kept from everyone. For a very long time.”

“I see.”

“Is- will that be a problem?”

“We don't have to sort everything out now, Caroline. We'll take this slowly, as slowly as you need.”

“You're very good to me.”

Kate affectionately ran her fingers through blonde hair. “I know.”

“What do we do now?”

“Well... if it's still going, I'll have that tea.”


	8. Chapter 8

Caroline wasn't very good with labels. Part of the reason she'd agreed to marry John was because then she could refer to him as 'husband', and finally do away with the awkward decision between the infantile 'boyfriend' and the gender-ambiguous 'partner'. That and it would finally get her mother off her back about living with a man to whom she wasn't married. Why Celia cared about her daughter living in sin when she hadn't attended a church service in Caroline's lifetime was quite beyond her, but worries about her mother in regard to... whatever this was with Kate were definitely going to have to wait. She wouldn't get anything done at all if she started down that particular road.

Not that she was getting much done anyway. She checked her watch and realised with a sinking stomach that she'd more or less wasted the half-morning she'd put aside for going over the Health and Safety requirements for the home economics department. She'd spent two hours glossing over the different kinds of fire extinguisher and instead pondering her burgeoning relationship with her very favourite modern languages teacher. Accepting that she wasn't going to get the work done - she could probably foist it off on Mrs Goodall anyway - she moved the brightly-coloured information to one side. For the first time since she'd headed to bed after Kate left (the lingering hug in the hallway warming her as she thought about it), she allowed herself to stop worrying about what her new... thing with Kate meant in terms of her sexuality, their relationship, what it meant for the boys, what it could mean for the school... and just enjoy the fact that the very pretty woman she fancied actually fancied her back.

Trying to play it somewhat cool, Caroline resisted the urge to ring Kate – it was during school hours after all – and decided that she would, at the very least, wait until the evening to contact her. Until then, she had another fifteen minutes of being a ridiculous teenager, and then it was a meeting with the deputies. She could make it through.

* * *

That evening, she forced herself to complete some actual, proper work before ringing Kate. She had been half-hoping that Kate would ring her, but despite the kiss – which Caroline really couldn't stop thinking about – Kate had left it very much in Caroline's hands, making it clear that she didn't want to push her into anything. Feeling brave (for a definition of 'brave' which included checking the entire ground floor to make sure the boys were in their rooms, probably with headphones, and then shutting herself in the study), she called Kate's mobile.

Three rings. “Hello?”

“It's Caroline.”

Always pleased to hear from her; “Hi Caroline. Are you all right?”

“Yes, thanks. Well, today was a bit awful, but I've got some good news.”

“Oh?”

“John called earlier.”

A pause. “...right.”

Caroline sat forward in her chair. “No, it's good! He wants to see the boys. They've not heard from him in ages, so it'll be good for them to see him this weekend. He's taking them out somewhere. I'll castrate him if he doesn't show, but assuming he does manage to complete a basic activity without disappointing everyone he comes into contact with, it means they'll get to see their father, and...”

“Yes?”

“Well, it leaves me free on Saturday.”

“I see.”

“You'll be free, won't you?”

“I'll be around in the afternoon.”

“Can I come over?”

“Of course you can.”

“Great.” Caroline got up from her office chair and began to pace nervously around, making sure to keep her voice down. “Should we...”

“Should we what?”

“I was thinking, it might be best if we don't see each other in school as much. You know.”

“Oh.”

“Because people might start saying things-”

“Yes, Caroline, I get it.” Kate sighed. “I can do that. But I'll see you on Saturday?”

“Yes! I'll be over at, say, 2? I'll need to be back by 7 for when the boys get home.”

“All right then. I'll look forward to it.”

* * *

As agreed, the two women didn't see much of each other in school for the rest of the week. There was a notable moment during Wednesday morning assembly when Kate was playing the entrance hymn – Judith Aspinall usually played in assembly, but it was Kate's duty on Wednesdays – where, during the moments between the hymn finishing and Caroline wishing everyone a good morning, the two women caught each others' eyes and held a gaze for just a moment. It was a tiny thing, but enough to give Caroline the buoyancy to make it through the rest of a very trying day.

* * *

Saturday morning saw Caroline growing steadily more angry as the hours went by and John didn't turn up. She was as concerned for what impact their father not showing might have on the boys as she was about her plans with Kate later, but at around 11am the green BMW rolled onto the drive and she bundled the boys out the door, childishly hoping to avoid a confrontation with John by not speaking with him. Time moved sluggishly after that, and after doing a few hours' worth of housework, she made her way over to Kate's. She considered, as she approached the front door, that maybe she should have brought flowers? Was that the done thing, or would it be too forward, too arrogant? She was worrying herself into a tizzy as Kate answered the door. 

“Hi.”

“Hi, Kate.”

Flowers were instantly forgotten in favour of a slew of new worries. Should they hug? They'd hugged when Kate left Caroline's last. Kate wouldn't kiss her publicly on her doorstep, would she?

Kate smiled fondly as she opened the door wide. “Come in.”

Caroline was as charmed by Kate's cottage as she expected to be. It was beautifully decorated and smelled reassuringly of Kate. She sat down on the offered sofa and enjoyed the intimacy of being in Kate's living room while Kate herself fussed with drinks in the kitchen. 

“Sorry,” said Kate, re-entering the room with a tray laden with a pot of tea, cups, and a cake, “I meant to have things ready. I was visiting my dad earlier.”

“It's fine,” said Caroline, craning her neck to admire the baby grand piano in the corner. She turned her attention back to Kate as tea was poured. “So John turned up. Eventually. He was an hour and a half late. I nearly called you to say I wouldn't be able to make it.”

Kate sat down next to Caroline, a carefully measured distance that was close without being presumptuous. “Was John all right? You know, when he did show?”

“Yes, it was fine. Well actually, I pretty much threw the boys out of the door; I didn't want to have to make small talk with him. And by then I was so livid with him for being late, I didn't trust myself to say more than two words to him.”

A reassuring, nervous hand on her knee. “I'm sorry it's so difficult,” said Kate, sympathetic brown eyes making Caroline wonder how she'd ever managed to push her affection for this woman out of her thoughts. “Has this week been okay?”

“More or less. Nothing to report. Actually...”

“Actually what?”

Raising her teacup, as if its heat and steam would excuse any blushing, she didn't quite meet Kate's eyes as she said “Actually, the high point of last week was pretty much getting to see you across the hall.”

“Caroline,” Kate said, the smile lighting her face. “I've been thinking about you all week.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I dedicated more time than I probably should have to thinking about you even before last week.”

Caroline looked at her in disbelief. “And yet you function! How do you have time? I can barely manage AM: argue with Gavin, PM: curse sodding John.”

“You do more than just function, Caroline. And I've become quite good at admiring you in the background.”

“Is that so?” Caroline quirked an eyebrow.

“Yes,” said Kate, amused. “All dual-subject teachers are good at multitasking, and with music, choir, French, German and Dr Elliot looking particularly good in that skirt all going on, one quickly becomes a master.”

Caroline took a drink of her tea, her mind betraying her with a lack of witty riposte. Caroline not having a sassy answer was a rare event indeed, but the risk of flirting becoming too heated was a scary thought and she didn't want to ruin the moment. 

Kate changed topics, barely missing a beat; “And speaking of French, did you know that not a single child in 7F could tell me what a conjugation was yesterday?”

* * *

They continued talking about safer topics for several hours, only shifting from their position on the sofa - Kate's hand gently on Caroline's knee, the two nestled into each other, the teapot long cold – when Caroline's phone chimed, the noise muffled by her bag. 

“Ah, sorry,” Caroline pulled away, slightly embarrassed when she realised just how cuddly they'd been. Checking her phone, she saw it was from William, informing her that he and Laurence were being dropped back at the house. 

“Shit.” she said, glaring at the screen. “The boys will be back early.”

“Does that mean you have to go?” Kate said, her voice light.

“I should. They don't need me there, William's eighteen for God's sake, but if I'm not, they'll wonder where I've been,” Caroline looked around for her coat, “and anyway it's nearly dinner time, so I should start cooking soon.”

“Right then. Well, thanks for coming over, it's been really good to see you.”

“Thanks for having me,” Caroline said automatically.

Kate watched Caroline gather her things and get ready to leave. “No, I do mean it. And... are we all right? The two of us?”

In a compilation of social blunders committed by Caroline Elliot (which would make for a weighty text), the two main divisions would be times where The Right Thing didn't even occur to her, and times where The Right Thing was known, but not done due to fear of personal embarrassment. Her decision to not kiss Kate was an error in the latter category, but she reached over and squeeze Kate's hand. 

“We are. We are all right. I'll see you soon.”

Kate squeezed back and nodded. “See you soon, Caroline.”


	9. Chapter 9

Finishing off the last of her paperwork, Caroline decided that she should go and pick up William from Monday's afterschool choir rehearsal. It was two days after she had been to Kate's house, and the two women hadn't contacted each other since. Trying not to fixate on her nervousness, she left her office and made her way down to the hall a good few minutes before the practice was due to finish. 

Caroline sneaked into the hall to find the choir singing something she vaguely recognised as one or other of Bach's motets, and as she sat on one of the pews she noticed that the piece was being performed without any musical accompaniment. While she had, on several occasions, admired Kate while she was playing the piano or organ, it was new to see her standing up and conducting the choir. Schooling her expression to look only slightly impressed, she took in the sight of Kate's graceful but commanding gestures and inwardly kicked herself for not attending any and all school musical performances led by this wonderful woman. From his position among the choir on the stage, William saw his mother and caught her eye and she smiled up at him, surprised not to feel ashamed or caught out at being in the same room as Kate. 

The piece ended and Kate praised them fully, pleased with their progress. As she dismissed them, she looked surprised and pleased to see Caroline in the audience. Even as the students started leaving, though, didn't make a move to come over. As William fussed about getting a sheaf of paper sorted into folders, Caroline realised that Kate was simply respecting the ground rules that Caroline herself had laid out – keeping a distance at school. Part of Caroline wanted to go over, to break her rules and speak to and be near Kate, especially after watching the beautiful performance. Even with students in the room. But it was dangerous, she realised, the careless attitude she was developing when she was feeling particularly strong feelings of fondness towards Kate. If she wasn't careful, it would be her undoing.

William was finally ready and came over to her. Not brave enough to talk to Kate, as she and William left the hall, she caught Kate's eye and tried to express her longing and apologies for her cowardice in a single look. 

Kate must have understood some of it, because when Caroline rang her later, she wasn't as cold and disappointed as Caroline was expecting. 

“Hi Caroline, what's up?” she asked, sounding more weary than anything. 

“Not much; I'm enjoying five minutes peace because the boys have somehow found something they both like on the Playstation and are actually spending time together.”

“Well, that's good.”

“Kate, I wanted to say... I'm sorry about earlier. I'd really like to see you one evening this week.”

Kate's tone brightened. “I'd like that, too.”

“Does tomorrow work for you?”

“Yes, that's fine. Would you like to come over? Shall I cook?”

Caroline felt tentatively excited. “If you don't mind. Should I bring anything?”

“Just your lovely self.”

* * *

The scene was a familiar one: Caroline was once again nervously standing in Kate's porchway, not really sure where the evening was headed, or even where she wanted it to head. When Kate answered the door - pleased to see her, beads of sweat on her brow from whatever she'd been cooking on the stove, casual clothes made even more endearing by the presence of a sauce-stained apron – Caroline was nearly overcome with the urge to just kiss her. She fought the urge and then agonised, as Kate took her coat and the wine she'd brought, over why she'd fought it. It wasn't like there was a possibility of rejection. It certainly wasn't that it wouldn't be a pleasurable experience.

“Would you like to come through to the kitchen? You're right on time and everything's ready to be served.”

Caroline followed Kate into the pretty little kitchen, which smelled mouthwateringly of spices and roasted vegetables. 

“What can I do to help?” Caroline asked, not willing to just be waited upon. 

“Plates are in there and cutlery's in there, would you mind?” Kate said, gesturing to drawers and cupboards with a spatula. 

Setting the table and helping Kate serve the meal only took a matter of minutes, but the domesticity of the scene both warmed Caroline's heart and created a delightful tension as the two sat down to eat.

“This looks wonderful, thank you.” Caroline said, not even bothering to think of how long it had been since somebody had cooked for her.

“It's not a problem at all,” Kate said, pouring Caroline a glass of wine, “it's lovely to have someone to cook for, to be honest.”

Caroline took a forkful of risotto. “Mmm. You can cook for me any time you like, Kate; I mean it.”

They chatted pleasantly as they finished the meal, and Caroline insisted on helping with the washing-up. “I am not leaving you with all this to clean once I head home,” she said in her best headmistress voice. 

Powerless to argue, Kate handed her a floral teatowel, and the two continued their homely scene.

“I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not very good at giving up control in the kitchen, even when the kitchen's not mine,” Caroline confessed. 

“I've been told I make a very talented sous-chef,” Kate said, passing Caroline a saucepan to dry, “and I'd be more than happy to play second-fiddle to you if it gives me a chance to have a go in your kitchen.”

“I don't let just anyone mess about in my kitchen,” Caroline said, hanging up a ladle, “but I think you've proven yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Caroline said, putting down the damp teatowel and turning to Kate, “I'd like you to come over to my house sometime. And I'll cook. You can help. I really enjoyed tonight, and I think I'd like to have more evenings like it.”

“Do you mean-”

“I'd like to give this, us, a try.”

Turning from the sink to face Caroline, Kate pulled her washing-up gloves off and looked into Caroline's eyes. “I'd like that, too.”

Fighting nerves, Caroline did what they had both been waiting weeks for; she leaned over to Kate and kissed her. The little flip her heart did every time she thought back to when Kate had kissed her before was eclipsed by the leap of excitement she felt as Kate eagerly kissed her back. Caroline's eyes fell closed; the heady exhilaration was counterbalanced by a feeling of peace, a feeling akin to coming home. It was something she'd not felt for decades, and as the kiss continued, she felt it warm her to her bones, like the reassuring scent of a childhood home; nostalgic but very real. She faltered for a moment, not sure what to do with her hands, but, feeling brave, she put them on Kate's waist. Kate moved even closer, so the two women were pressed together, closer than any sofa-snuggling had previously brought them. By the time the kiss ended, they were both short of breath. Caroline opened her eyes and gazed fondly at Kate, who was flushed and looked very pleased with events.

“Would you like to go into the living room?” Kate asked quietly.

Caroline struggled to get her thoughts under control. She desperately did want to just follow Kate, but knew that she needed some space to think everything over. “I would, I really would, but... I should be getting home.”

Caroline saw Kate visibly resist the urge to protest, probably that Caroline had only been over for an hour and a half. She said nothing, but there was a peace between them that meant Caroline didn't feel like she'd utterly ruined the evening.

“I have had a really nice time,” Caroline said as she put her coat on, “we'll arrange another evening soon.”

Kate looked hopeful. “I can't wait.”

* * *

Not 24 hours later, Caroline's heart sank like a stone when she pulled into the driveway and saw John's BMW parked in exactly the space where she'd been leaving her car for the past two months. Celia and William fell silent upon seeing it, and Caroline tried to muster up some fury at John's arrogance. To her great surprise, her main emotion was concern over what might have brought him back to the house, especially with no advance notice. She was always in command in her house, even moreso than at the school, but John's presence perturbed her so much that she didn't know what to feel. A month ago she would have demanded his key back and thrown him out of the door. When he asked to speak to her alone, she couldn't help but notice Laurence's body language, his face full of hope at the prospect of getting his dad back. She turned to John, surveying him with a level of contempt usually reserved for Michael Gove. 

And then the penny dropped. John wanted to come back. To her, to the house, to the boys. Caroline felt blank. She had no affection for him, that she knew. But the boys; he and William needed to reconcile, Laurence would surely be much happier with his father around. 

And Kate... 

Their kisses had been nice. Wonderful, even. When the two of them were together, safe in the privacy of Kate's living room or Caroline's kitchen, Caroline genuinely felt like she was ready. Ready to throw herself into whatever it with Kate could be. 

But then, with John's return, she realised just what being with Kate would mean and suddenly she felt foolish and naïve for thinking it would work. She'd have to tell the boys. Her mother would find out. Everyone at school would know. And for what? In terms of interpersonal relationships, Caroline was a human disaster; if Kate left after Caroline inevitably messed up, what would she be left with?

In quiet moments, just being with Kate was a thing that filled her to bursting with happiness, and managed to push out all the details, the worries, the reasons why she had denied that part of herself since she was eighteen years old. John and his presence, his speech about Judith; it was an awakening as sharp and shocking as shutters being flung open wide. Caroline wasn't ready. She couldn't go there. She could rationalise it; it was for the boys. They needed their father. John wouldn't have anywhere else to go, anyway. They could make it work. Nobody at school needed to know that John had even left. After all, the only person she'd told was Kate. 

Kate. It would break Kate's heart, she knew it. Caroline looked morosely at John's pathetic face as he continued on, blathering about Judith and her ills. She needed to be a good parent. Even if it meant she wasn't a good person. 

“Right.” Caroline said expressionlessly after John finally stopped talking. “I suppose you'd better go and fetch some of your things, then.”

Love was overrated anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As Orson Welles put it: "if you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." If I'd known how S3 went, I probably would have written a happier ending, but this is it, I'm afraid. Thanks for reading :)
> 
> (and, uh, if you want C/K getting a happy ending in an entirely different universe, do check out my Last Tango Hogwarts AU.)


End file.
